“What are you doing?” I hissed.
That’s how the strangest meeting of my life began. It was only ever going to get worse.
He pressed his face up to the glass so hard as to make his whole head seem flat, his green hat and emerald-trimmed glasses falling off in the process.
“Why are you dressed like that? I whispered. I’d never seen anyone dressed head to toe in green velvet. Even Robin Hood wore brown pants, the Errol Flynn one anyway.
”I’m incognito,“ he said, and winked.
”Incognito as what?“
”An iguana of course! What kind of spy are you?“
”I’m not a spy,“ I answered truthfully.
”Really? I thought everyone that crept around in the evening was a spy.“
He said it so matter-of-fact that I almost believed I was.
”I just came for a drink.“
”Ah, I see.“
I didn’t know how he could what with him being an obvious nutcase.
”So, what are you doing?“ I asked again. I was already past the point of caring if my questions bothered him, but just had to know.
He gave me a swift appraisal, eyes bulging like the lizard he resembled, and said, ”I’m following my wife.“
”Yes, I know it’s sneaky, but us reptiles are.“
He beckoned me closer.
”I’m actually a gecko, but that’s just between you and me.“
”Yes, I suppose you are,“ I agreed. Despite an urge to roll my eyes and punch him in the head, I restrained myself and continued. ”Have you seen her?“ I enquired placing an eye to the dirty glass. The basement below seemed full of happy revellers, booze flowing in copious amounts as some chatted and others danced.
”Not yet,“ he answered. ”But I will.“
”Is she dressed like you?“
”I’m not sure, could be. It’ll be hard to tell.“
I thought she’d stand out like a sore thumb but persevered. ”Can’t see anyone in green, mostly bare skin.“
”That’s the brilliance of being an iguana, we blend,“ he said striking a surprised pose.
”Yes… Yes, I suppose you do.“
He relaxed at that and went back to his spying.
”What are you going to do when you find her?“
”If,“ he corrected.
”I’ll open this window, flash out my tongue and steal her peanuts. That’ll teach her not to hide food from me. Oh yeah, that’ll teach her. That’ll teach her good and proper.“ He wrung his velvet-gloved hands together; green ones of course.
”Good job she’s not a chameleon or you’d never find her.“
”Yeah, they’re the ones that change colour to match their surroundings.“
”Are you sure?“
”Damn it all to hell!“ he bellowed.
”I told him I was a chameleon,“ said a woman materialising out of the brickwork. ”Bloody men never listen. Fancy a peanut?“ she asked offering me an open packet.
I’d have taken one if the spymaster hadn’t stuck out his tongue, thrust his head in the packet and started chomping down nuts.
”And he wonders why I want the odd night out alone.“ She shook her head, though all I saw move was her beautiful, big, green eyes, dropped the packet, and merged back into urbania. ”I’ve always hated lizards,“ she muttered from the shadows, ”I much prefer dogs.“
”Really?” I said, as I scratched behind my ear and peed on the iguana’s green shoes.