VignetteSeries – Perkins and the Ham

Author’s Note: You’ve already met Mister Perkin Perkins, he with the forgettable name. Here, he is less than happy. Remember this is a Steampunk project before you think I’ve gone mad.

“Her Majesty requires a ham.”

“We don’t have any, Mister Pleprkins.”

“Perkins, and this is a kitchen, isn’t it?”

“Last time I looked.”

“And you are Head Chef?”

“I am.”

“And ham is a common meat?”

“Yes, Mister Ploppers, it is.”

“So, am I wrong to expect the head chef of Buckingham Palace to have something so mundane as a ham in his larder? And it’s Perkins.”

“Sorry, Mister Plerpet, but why would we? Her Majesty doesn’t eat.”

“Because, my dear, dear man, she still wishes to give the impression she eats.”


“Oh, indeed. Hm, what to do. What to do. Have you a rabbit perchance?”

“Yes, the groundskeeper caught one just this morning, though, I don’t see the significance.”

“Good. Can you stick a corkscrew in its rear end?”


“I’ll tell her it’s a runt then dim the lights. She only wants to look at it and her goggles’ll soon steam up with the heat.”

“Right you are, Mister Porklet. I mean Pork chop. I mean…”


12 thoughts on “VignetteSeries – Perkins and the Ham

  1. No ham! Plopkins is rightly outraged. The queen can be quite ill tempered and never eats rabbit…or apparently anything else. :). I love these episodes of Perkins frustration.

      1. Is there anything more dangerous than a pent up ball of English rage? I think not, that is why I am staying on your good side…I am right?😟

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