It’s a big, wide world out there to those who feel small. Every tree conceals shadows, every puddle a skin to the world below. We fear and tremble, defer and divide, when what we really ought is wonder. Let us not forget, the flower to the insect is as a sun to us, yet the pull of its pollen is enchanting. Never fear the big wide world, my friends, it can’t help being overwhelming.
I had doubts. When the nights came, the bedroom walls pulsing out like ripples growing further and further away from my bed, those doubts amplified to the beats of my hollow heart.
Echoes, I called them. The echoes of a misspent life had come a calling. They would never leave. No matter how hard I pressed the pillows to my head, those residual murmurs remained. Sweeping in across oceans of night, they haunted my island self. There was nowhere to hide. I didn’t deserve to.
Time: a relative concept, more so still to the timeless. I was timeless, a salient detail my demons knew. There would never be respite from my tormentors. Never!
When sunlight came sweeping through my curtains like filtered candy, I opened my eyes. Another night over. Another night done. Breathe, my mind said. Breathe, it repeated, as it was wont to do at each new dawn. Just breathe.
One hopes for evil to pass, prays for it even. One imagines those doubts dissipating like broken clouds to never regather. And, sometimes, when the darkness was dismissed for the daylight hours, I thought it possible. I’m me again, my brain promised. I’m me. That’s when the voices came.
’You don’t really matter,’ they said. ’See you tonight.’
My eyes are my giveaway. They abandon me when I need them most, look away when I wish to gaze, hide behind black plastic and still fail to respond. My eyes are my bane, my downfall, my shame. They weep when I would wish them not, flicker when I would wish to stare at the rain, blink too often. My eyes, how I hate them! Yet, still, they gave me you.
I've never felt alive, truly alive, electric. I've dreamt it, haven't we all? I've imagined what it must feel like to not imagine, if that makes sense.
She epitomised that whole don't give a damn attitude, that try to stop me confidence and all in a look. What a wink!
I was never so bold as to say what I felt preferring instead to count the cracks in the concrete. I was never so bold as to tempt fate by smiling fearing a crooked face unlovable. I was never so bold as to say I love you, though my sister said it was all you wished to hear. I was never so bold until now, but the mirror’s not listening.
This dripping heartbeat
Pitter-patters on the windowsill
An uninterrupted rhythmic thrum
Like mice in clogs
Or ballerina sparrows
Practicing whilst the curtains remain drawn.
It soothes the soul
All this water,
All these cloudburst tears
Easing a mind when nothing else will;
I’d let it pour across my soul
If I could,
Purge these pre-rainfall misgivings,
These personal hates and self-doubts,
It is respite,
But soon the rain will stop;
The mind will not.